Wow. Like. Good for you, but seriously? You attract the women you throw out a line for - so obviously you lookin for a woman who goes, "oh heeeey baby. Lets buy a house. Who needs love?"
Ahhh, the sweet smell of self-depreciation as a plea to get me to talk to you. Because as an independent, self-sufficient, confident, well traveled woman, i am in fact looking for someone I have to constantly affirm (NOT!) Bae, don’t make me answer that.
Also guilt tripping a girl into talking to you is definitely how true-love is
birthed.
Also, we need to touch on something veeeeery important. His hideous catch phrase, "Stalker? I prefer Guardian Angel." Ummmm I prefer "buh-bye". This one was hard to decide between Future Restraining Order and Utter Self Depreciation.
Moving on. Lets define "Chron" from Urban Dictionary:
"High grade, hydroponic Marijuana. Light and fluffy with dense trichrome formations. A rich aroma accompanies this kind of bud." I ain't about that life. I also hate camping (with you at least), hiking and golfing. And yes, you're that hideous.
Annnnnnd. Poking me with "do you even talk to guys on here?" like.... just cause I don't talk to you means I LITERALLY HATE ALL MEN. No. Get off your high horses. Take a silent rejection and move on with your life. Puuuh-lease.
So you think that shaming me
and guilt tripping me and putting yourself down by saying you’re not my type
will make me perk up and say, “Oh no baby! I definitely think we’re soul
mates!”, but then you proceed to come back and try again? Yikes. No no. Ew.
Also, the last "how fast do you ru...." I could just hear in my mind his inner dialog, something along the lines of, "I'm gunna be all smart and ask her how fast she runs. That'll get her talking!! Lets see... how fast do you ru....oh shit, I've already tried to talk to her 15 times. Abort mission. Abort mission." *passes out drunk cause its 1:03am.*
(Oh side note. Lets take a minute to look at his 'tag line'.... "Hope your (its you're) having a good day mines probably shitty." WOW hello sunshine! Aren't you just a treat of joy and happiness!
I mean I do think deep thoughts like that, but in my head I dOn’t wRite liKe thiS, evEr. And the deepest thoughts I’m thinking at this present moment about you is mainly how stressful the above typing is. How does that even happen? I had trouble even mocking the writing because autocorrect fixed it every time. How did you even manage that?
Okay you can also read your horoscope everyday and be like, "YAY I'm a taurus which means i HAVE to find a leo so its a perfect match!" Let me help you dear, just cause something tells you that you should be with someone doesn't mean it means anything. Like I'm gunna be like, "Oh shit! I didn't realize this FREE DATING APP SAYS WE SHOULD BE TOGETHER?! Okay okay okay, now I'm sold. Take me now!!"
Sometimes I reply, just when I literally cant even. And my snark just cant stay in 100%. Even though its 100 times toned down from what I'm really thinking. Which normally cannot even be put into words, its more of an expression of utter annoyance and disgust....
Like, when guys try and be nice, "You're the most beautiful girl!" awww. And then they add "Cant be real." Wow... helllloooo Prince Charming. Its a weird undercutting kinda compliment that I straight up do not have time for. Buh-bye.
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