CATFISHED x 2

WHY ARE ALASKAN MEN (or are they even Alaskan? Maybe they’re North Dakotan women in trailer parks? I don’t even know anymore! I don’t trust anyone!) SO DESPERATE AND PSYCHO AND OBSESSED WITH TRYING TO CATFISH ME?!

So today, I get a message from a breathtakingly gorgeous creature. I’m thinking, “helllllllloooooooo marriage.”  (Obviously I didn't learn my lesson from, ya know, the dude who was stunning and Catfished me a week ago, but…. moving on.) Anyway so I’m already planning our kids’ middle names out. Before we were even 10 minutes in I screenshotted his picture and sent it to my roommate and said, “He’s definitely Catfishing me, isn’t he?” (I was trying to cry out for help so my deep hopeful side didn’t talk me into this…), she replied, “Oh 100% for sure.”

He then ends up sending me some selfies and I’m (okay I was tired at work and didn’t look super close) but I literally thought “hmm. These don’t look like the exact same person” (but I was too distracted deciding between Sophie and Juliette as a good daughters name for us) so I let it slide. But then he said something about dating in Alaska being so ridiculous someone should start a blog or TV show about it….errrr…what? Red flag. But again, I thought “We’re just MFEO; we think EXACTLY alike!!! It’s fine.” (Made For Each Other…. go watch Sleepless in Seattle if you don’t get the reference.) 

ANYWAY. During it all I have this sneaking, (sinking) feeling that he is definitely Catfishing me in some bazaar way. But I’m bored out of my skull at work so I let it go on for a bit. But literally the second I walk into the house, I grab my computer and yell at my roommate, “This guy is deeeeeeefinitely about to be busted out.” HELLO GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH (Yeah, it’s seriously the best thing that ever happened.)

Image one.

Hit.

Image two.

Hit.

Busted. So, opposite from last time this happened (scroll back in the blog posts for the first time last week), I didn’t beat around the bush. I just said, “Okay buddy I know you’re Catfishing me. I figured out your plan and I don’t have time for this.” He protested telling me he had sent REAL selfies though and that that profile was being used for a blog (IS SOMEONE PLAYING MY GAME BACK AT ME?! THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE BLOG HERE BUCKO!) He tried and tried and tried to maintain contact but, lets be honest, even if he WAS actually attractive in real life, you cant build a romance on a lie.

Come on buddy. That’s not how love blooms (or maybe it is, hell if I know anymore.) Go ahead and call me the Catfish queen.

(I didn’t add this guys REAL selfies because I’m not THAT mean. Though I highly debated it. For a very long time. I was so close. But alas, I’m just suuuuch a nice human. But I do feel like its really important you know that in his REAL picture, he was wearing a WWJD bracelet..... first of all, WHAT WOULD JESUS DO? HE DEFINITELY WOULD NOT HAVE CATFISHED ME)

Future Restraining Orders: Part 2

Please don’t write me when you’re drunk. And if you’re not drunk, maybe you should be. Or maybe just go back to school for some spelling and grammar help. Some peoples children. 

Okay, we'll give homeboy a little credit. I mean, he DID properly use they're/there/their while obviously intoxicated on some substance (the smoke reference makes me think its not alcohol...) So at least this guy is a step up from the plethora of you're/your issue boys. My real question is what the hell does he want me to swim in? Like, go swimming on a first date? Where he can drown me? And then keep my dead body in his basement? Is he inviting me on the Yellow Submarine? Which was the Beatles code for getting high...so basically we're right back to where we started.

Also his 'tag' line. How would meeting on Tinder be ANY different from this hot mess of a site? Lets not lie and say tinder. If your most original lie for how we met is TINDER, then we are definitely not compatible. My lie would probably consist of running from a pack of Cheetahs and falling desperately in love in a ditch we dug out in the wilderness to hide from said Cheetahs.

Ending with.... caaaaaaaan we just take a moment of silence for how he spelled "persuade"..............

WHY CAN NO MAN SEEM TO GET THE RIGHT YOU'RE/YOUR in their opening sentence?! WHY IS THAT SO HARD! It's definitely my BIGGEST pet peeve. I just....I can't. YOU'RE automatically out. 

Moving on.

What’s it take to catch me? Well, not you for starters. 

First of all... do not call me sweetheart. For all you know, I'm a raging bitch who is nothing CLOSE to a sweetheart. Also trying to change your pet-name for me every couple days is not the way into my soul. Like, do you think I'm sitting here like, "Sweetheart. No. Sassy Classy Smarty. No.... OH MISS POETRY? Oh that's sexy. Okay lets talk." #Desperate

Um. Wow. I can already see how this date goes. You brag about your running times and trying to coax me into caring, and I slowly reach down into my purse for my pepper spray and rape whistle. 

I admit I cant run 5 miles in 40 minutes, but if you were after me, I'm pretty sure some kind of supernatural strength and endurance would suddenly take over my body. Or I would just faint and hope to God, I died quickly to stay away from you. 

"I just could not let you go of my mind." Thaaaaats not proper English. But nice try. 

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And last, but CERTAINLY not least, perhaps my favorite message of all time. And definitely the message I have sent to the most people via text message, leaving all of us in wonder, horror and confusion..... 

Ew. Ew. Ew. DOES THIS LINE ACTUALLY WORK ON ANYONE?! Like, if this is a USUAL pick-up line for this man, and Alaskan women go for it, we have way bigger problems in this State than I had first anticipated. Part of the utter alarm is that it isn't a question. Its a statement. I.Give.You.Kids. WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! HERE! First date, TAKE THEM. Now you're stuck with kids. Wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am. 

So after I didn't reply to the first proclamation, he obviously thinks, "Maaaaybe I came on too strong? Back up. Back up. Be calm, cool and collected. Just ask her out. Just say hi. Back up slowly, maybe she wont notice the first moment of me offering kids." When your opening line is trying to dump children on me, how do you even write anything noteworthy after that? 

Surprisingly (I know), my answer would be no. Times 100. (But between you and me, there was a part of me that so wanted to meet this man. Like, WHAT WOULD A DATE BE LIKE?! The self-sabotaging side of me is definitely almost crazy enough to meet this man in person. But the mature, collected adult says...no, no, no) 

Okay, okay, maybe I've been a little hard on him. 

Maybe he's just a nice goat farmer offering me baby goats....

(BUT THEN HIS ABOUT ME!!) 

You’re not picky, but I am.

I'll let Joey Montana sum it all up in his song, here: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqpKDkVzlqU

Future Restraining Orders: Part 1

Yeah. “I’m very friendly and nice guy”, (which I just heard, ‘nice guy’ on Gilmore Girls is code for butt ugly).  Also is ‘very friendly’ code for “will try to get handsy waaaaay too quickly on the first date?” Because thats what I read when I read this.  #thirsty

This post is just dripping with stage 10 clinger– and is the reason for naming this category “future restraining orders waiting to happen.”

Note to boys, sometimes I’m away from my phone. Other times (all other times) when you start off (or in any time during our talk) have gross sexual comments you get instantly blocked. Or in this case, screen shotted and posted on my blog. Also, badgering me 7 billion times will definitely not make my heart finally give in and say, “okay fine. You win. Lets fall in love and make 12 babies.” Nope. Nope. Never. 

Please don’t write me when you’re drunk. And if you’re not drunk, maybe you should be. Or maybe just go back to school for some spelling and grammar help.

First of all. “Good morning” at 12:46 am = you’re drunk and looking for a booty call. Second of all, throwing your number out after someone doesn’t respond to you is straight up NEEDY AF. Third, you really think no one has ever told me I’m beautiful? Wow.

Then, “did I do something wrong?” I feel like this is moving too fast – that’s the kinda thing a boyfriend says when you’re giving him the silent treatment for no reason; not a phrase coming from an absolute stranger. But then moving along without any explanation if he DID do something wrong, he tries again from the beginning.

Also, this guy not only is in the, "future restraining orders" category, but should also be in, "Please take 5th grade english and learn how to make contractions", category. 

Oh and learn how to use the right “you’re”,  it makes a world of difference.

FIRST THINGS FIRST.....PLEASE, please, PLEEAAASEEEE tell me you don’t actually think that’s how you spell firefighter…. Please. Second, you said ‘tonight’ 3 times in 3 sentences. 

Third,

my name is: no, 

my sign is: no, 

my number is: no. 

Oh my god. I'm already overwhelmed! Question. DO THE MEN NOT REALIZE I CAN SEE THEIR PREVIOUS MESSAGES? Do they think, "oh well, she probably deleted the first message let me try again?" NO! The way the app works (here, guys, let me help you out), is that even if I delete your messages every single time they come through (which I do), the next time you write me, ALL THE PREVIOUS MESSAGES SHOW UP AGAIN. So.....you end up looking about as crazy as this guy. Also....just take a peek at the time stamps on each one. Drunk much? Classy.

You can catch me, huh? Well I can carry pepper spray and can call 911. So. Touche. Two can play at this game......

OH BUT WAIT! MORE PEPPER SPRAY MAY BE NEEDED FOR THIS GEM! 

                                                Here's his interests....

Interests. “You’ll see”. Seriously, if this doesn’t terrify you as much as it terrifies me you should rethink everything you believe in. ALL I read is, “hello Clarice...it puts the lotion on the skin."

Nope. Buh-bye.

TO BE CONTINUED.....