Please don’t write me when you’re drunk. And if you’re not drunk, maybe you should be. Or maybe just go back to school for some spelling and grammar help. Some peoples children.
Okay, we'll give homeboy a little credit. I mean, he DID properly use they're/there/their while obviously intoxicated on some substance (the smoke reference makes me think its not alcohol...) So at least this guy is a step up from the plethora of you're/your issue boys. My real question is what the hell does he want me to swim in? Like, go swimming on a first date? Where he can drown me? And then keep my dead body in his basement? Is he inviting me on the Yellow Submarine? Which was the Beatles code for getting high...so basically we're right back to where we started.
Also his 'tag' line. How would meeting on Tinder be ANY different from this hot mess of a site? Lets not lie and say tinder. If your most original lie for how we met is TINDER, then we are definitely not compatible. My lie would probably consist of running from a pack of Cheetahs and falling desperately in love in a ditch we dug out in the wilderness to hide from said Cheetahs.
Ending with.... caaaaaaaan we just take a moment of silence for how he spelled "persuade"..............
WHY CAN NO MAN SEEM TO GET THE RIGHT YOU'RE/YOUR in their opening sentence?! WHY IS THAT SO HARD! It's definitely my BIGGEST pet peeve. I just....I can't. YOU'RE automatically out.
Moving on.
What’s it take to catch me? Well, not you for
starters.
First of all... do not call me sweetheart. For all you know, I'm a raging bitch who is nothing CLOSE to a sweetheart. Also trying to change your pet-name for me every couple days is not the way into my soul. Like, do you think I'm sitting here like, "Sweetheart. No. Sassy Classy Smarty. No.... OH MISS POETRY? Oh that's sexy. Okay lets talk." #Desperate
Um. Wow. I can already see how this date goes. You brag about your running times and trying to coax me into caring, and I slowly reach down into my purse for my pepper spray and rape whistle.
I admit I cant run 5 miles in 40 minutes, but if you were after me, I'm pretty sure some kind of supernatural strength and endurance would suddenly take over my body. Or I would just faint and hope to God, I died quickly to stay away from you.
"I just could not let you go of my mind." Thaaaaats not proper English. But nice try.
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And last, but CERTAINLY not least, perhaps my favorite message of all time. And definitely the message I have sent to the most people via text message, leaving all of us in wonder, horror and confusion.....
Ew. Ew. Ew. DOES THIS LINE ACTUALLY WORK ON ANYONE?! Like, if this is a USUAL pick-up line for this man, and Alaskan women go for it, we have way bigger problems in this State than I had first anticipated. Part of the utter alarm is that it isn't a question. Its a statement. I.Give.You.Kids. WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! HERE! First date, TAKE THEM. Now you're stuck with kids. Wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am.
So after I didn't reply to the first proclamation, he obviously thinks, "Maaaaybe I came on too strong? Back up. Back up. Be calm, cool and collected. Just ask her out. Just say hi. Back up slowly, maybe she wont notice the first moment of me offering kids." When your opening line is trying to dump children on me, how do you even write anything noteworthy after that?
Surprisingly (I know), my answer would be no. Times 100. (But between you and me, there was a part of me that so wanted to meet this man. Like, WHAT WOULD A DATE BE LIKE?! The self-sabotaging side of me is definitely almost crazy enough to meet this man in person. But the mature, collected adult says...no, no, no)
Okay, okay, maybe I've been a little hard on him.
Maybe he's just a nice goat farmer offering me baby goats....
(BUT THEN HIS ABOUT ME!!)
You’re not picky, but I am.
I'll let Joey Montana sum it all up in his song, here:
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