I can't: Part 3

FIRST: You asked how's it going twice in 11 words....

SECOND: I AM LITERALLY NOT SMILING IN MY PROFILE PICTURE!?!?! 

Okay, Mr. Ballar (it's ballER, if that's what you're trying to say):

Let's break this down for a second. My profile literally says I like poetry and wine. And I have one photo on a mountainside. So basically I could be utterly insane or a full-blown alcoholic. You like the side of my face and the idea that I’m emotionally stable. But let's be honest, would you like everything about me when I roll out of bed with no makeup, messy hair, PMS’ing and a complete emotional breakdown in the kitchen because there’s no coconut creamer left? No. You don’t like everything about me. But nice try.

Sigh. Your decision to be 'picky' is only valid in my book if you know correct grammar. 

Okay, its "you're". Second. I think you're TRYING to compliment me but really you just sound hella douchey. Like, its kinda flattering/kinda not. Try again better next time. 

The exclamation point in this scares me. A lot. 

I DON'T WANT TO! STOP SAYING 'LATE'. AHH!

Wow, you sound like SUCH a little delight. 

Again.....is there a club for men online that come up with new pickup lines? QUIT CALLING ME A POKEMON! Also, two 'rawr's in a row is....beyond me. 

Well, that's a new one. 

I can't even: Part 2

Every bone in my body is PRAYING he is kidding. I remember this joke when I was roughly 14 years old and THEN, (13 years ago), thinking it was so beyond stupid. And here we are....still thinking, "wow, if thats the best you have we do not have a promising future 60 years together." 

This one may be my favorite by far. First, compare me to a witch. Thanks. ALWAYS the way into a woman's heart.

Second, you said I have a subtle look of wickedness and that I look crazy. Again, thanks. (I’m really starting to fall in love at this point).

Third, you’re already aware there will be no ‘us,”, but you wanna chit chat? (Again, I don’t need a pen pal who is probably in jail).

Fourth, YOU ENDED IT WITH RIP?! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?! YOU WANT ME TO REST IN PEACE? ARE YOU GOING TO MURDER ME?! ARE YOU A SERIAL KILLER? I NEED TO KNOW!!

It's "you're". Also, you used a lot of typing and energy trying to twist a story of adventure, to basically just ask for a booty call.....

Whats up, Jeremy. You're not as clever as you think. 

I’m pretty sure your non-transferable personality is summed up pretty well here – you’re literally looking for sex. There, I summed you up for you! You’re welcome.

GAH! WHY are you SO unsure of yourself that ALL the things that are 'about you' are questions? That is a personality disorder if I've ever seen one. "WHO AM I?!" Also the fact that there are the most question marks after "great sex" makes me laugh. GOOD question. Don't be so sure. Yikes. 

It started out with a wink how did it end up like this? It was only a wink, it was only a wink!!

Yikes.

First thought, “I bet YOU'RE not a writer. I bet YOU'RE not pretty smart" .

If you’re going to talk about intelligence please don’t use the wrong “you’re” TWICE in a sentence. Cringe cringe cringe.  I think I’m gunna take your screen name to heart and not talk to strangers….

Man, I'm actually intrigued. I wanna go on a date IN a table with coffee. That sounds mystical AF. (Or at least on some weird Harry Potter level)

Sigh. I debated doing a whole blog about how many men have actually used this line recently. Like, HOW do they all come up with the same ridiculous line? First of all, Pokemon is dumb.....please don't EVER compare me to that. Second of all....nerd.

Self Deprecation / Semi Insulting / Needy AF: Part 2

If you really think thats how you spell "persuade" we have a lot bigger issues than I had previously anticipated. Also is that how the cool kids say booty call? Cause I'm so out of the loop. Fucker, I wanna mate like penguins and stay together forever! Not swim with you long enough to catch something. Yuck.

His about me section actually makes me feel bad as a good hearted human being. I just....am literally at a loss for words. Like, BAE, please. Best foot forward. What am I going to be like, "YAY! I LOVE talking to myself at dinner with someone who won't talk back! SIGN ME UP!"

or

"YAY! I LOVE living my entire life in silence!!! Sign me up!!"

Okay. This one got under my skin on an abnormal level. You start out fine. Then I don't reply. A grown man would get it and move on but you HAVE to add something snarky and semi insulting so your ego feels a little better. If I didn't reply to the normal introduction why would I reply when you try and shame me into it? Is that your thing? Shaming women into responding to you? Yeah....I ain't your girl.

AGAIN! WHY CANT MEN GET IT THAT I SEE THEIR PREVIOUS MESSAGES?!?!?!?!?!?!?! GAHHH!! SOMEONE PLEASE WRITE THESE MEN AND HELP THEM!!

oohhhhkaaaay. When your opening introduction is "why not", it makes me feel worst about my life than ever before. What am I gunna tell our future children, "well kids, I looked at him, threw my hands up in the air and said, fuck it...why not. And I've been doing that ever since!! Thats why you're here, little Timmy!!" 

All I wanted to say back it, YOU CAUGHT ME ITS NOT ME! I’M CATFISHING YOU!!!

Also, how many times do I have to say that pushing passive aggressiveness (you won’t even say hello?) is NOT a smart move. EVER. Ever. Ever Ever. It shows me you’re a stage 10 clinger and if I did go on a date and STILL wasn’t interested you would badger me…. Forever.

The fact that his tagline is "why not" says it ALL. He's like, "I'm going to send you a message with hella passive aggressive comments, that are meant to flatter, but also come with little pokes and jabs...and then I'm gonna get pissed when you don't respond. Like, HELLO, I just called you a model, you OWE me a response."

So here's my minds letter back to him. Maybe I should just send it and say, "fuck it" with being a nice person who only throws mens egos under the bus on a website and not in an actual message to them:

Dear Mr. Why Not,

I understand you are upset that I have chosen not to respond to your unsolicited attempts at starting a conversation with me. You see, the beautiful thing about sites like this, is I'm under no obligation to reply. I'm positive I'm not the first to not respond, nor will I be the last. Perhaps you should wipe that shocked emoji from your face as I owe you nothing for the few sentences you typed at me. Its behaviors like that that lead me to wonder what you would think I owe you if I actually accepted an invite to dinner with you. Again, the actual answer to that would be nothing...

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that your questioning of my picture was actually meant as a compliment to my beauty, of which I say thank you. However, if it wasn't me (which it is... I'm as baffled as you as to why my life has landed me on this site right now. I blame boredom and bad men, but thats another story for another day), if it wasn't me, do you think I'd just come out and say it? Ooops, yeah, you caught me. Jokes on me! I'm really a 45 year old man. Like, I'm just gunna show up at a restaurant and be like HAHAHHAAHA you fell for my fake photo and now you're stuck buying me dinner!!!!

Also. Virtual flowers? 2 WHOLE bouquets? You shouldn't have.

Needy. Anyone who says "Alpha Male:)" with the smiley face is either 1) Not truly an alpha male or 2) Has some deep anger issues he ignores/suppresses by calling himself an Alpha Male :). Like.... "I'm the Alpha Male because I will lose my shit over nothing and everyone is scared of me, but then I'll go back to calm/normal like nothing happened, because I'm dominant like that. :)" No.

First of all, the literal last thing I want in life is to be pen pals.

Second; wait, for real pen pals?

You’re definitely in prison. Can you say "work release"?

Third, I didn’t respond to the first message why in the world would I promise to ever respond to the second?

Fourth, my mind just automatically goes to "I could so be the crazy lady from Making A Murderer who falls in love with him while he's in prison?" no. no. no.

Future Restraining Orders: Part 3

Okay, lets get one thing straight, when you have to start out with "i'm not creepy" that 100% means you are. HELLO! Watch ANY crime show. Any perp who says, "I'm not guilty" is.... THEN on to dogs. 85 pound puppy that loves everyone is LITERALLY what my nightmares are made of. Like. Ew. You got the wrong girl, I'm not the blonde bimbo who's like PUPPY!! I'm the redhead who has a snarky face and just says, ew. 

Nice try though.

I'm overwhelmed. Again, do the men on here not realize i can see ALL your previous messages? Every last one. You aren't looking like a different guy every time, you're looking needy AF. Every time.

TOO MANY EMOJIS WITH HEART EYES! Stop that! I reserve those for my boo and my besties. NOT strangers!! Those are meant to be LOVE eyes, not LUST eyes and from ONE picture of me all you truly have is lust. Also bombarding me with "Excuse me why are you so sexy" pictures is honest to God not the way to any woman's heart. 

What. The. Fuck.

Okay its 2016. Women use to say, "See how a man dances. If he's a good dancer thats how he'll be in the bedroom." Now we look at online dating approaches of how they'll be in the bedroom..... Hi.hi.hi.hi.hi.do you like me.hi.am I good.hi.hi.hi baby. 

God no. 

I think he wrote the first one and it didn't work so he's like, "Hmmm... new game plan. How do I get her. OH! An exclamation point! Maybe she didn't think I was excited enough the first time! This will definitely work!!!" 

Nor will I ever. And good luck trying to catch me, I will pepper spray you. Happily. Also if your hook was just, "I'd love to try to catch you", thats pretty sad. 

Thats like a fisherman going fishing and yelling at the lake, "I'm GOING TO CATCH YOU FISHIES!" And then doing nothing else. Then two hours later yelling at the lake, " YOU DIDN'T BITE MY HOOK!" And the fishies are like, "Yeah you dumbass, because your hook is still in your damn boat." 

Telling me you're GOING to catch me and actually TRYING to get my attention/chasing me are two veeeerrryyy different things. I'm not asking you to chase me though. In fact, I'm quite happy you didn't. But I thought you should know that you're not the Rico Suave you think you are....

Okay boo. I get it, we’re all on the Brene Brown vulnerability train. But laying out your whole sexual history in your “about me” section is another level. I….I cant help you. And neither can Brene Brown. Please stop.

No mas.

No mas.

Also he's 25. Hasn't had a relationship in 10 years. AKA you haven't had a relationship since you had a freshman year girlfriend. This just makes me sad for you. Please. No.

Self Deprecation / Semi Insulting / Needy AF: Part 1

Wow. Like. Good for you, but seriously? You attract the women you throw out a line for - so obviously you lookin for a woman who goes, "oh heeeey baby. Lets buy a house. Who needs love?" 

Ahhh, the sweet smell of self-depreciation as a plea to get me to talk to you. Because as an independent, self-sufficient, confident, well traveled woman, i am in fact looking for someone I have to constantly affirm (NOT!) Bae, don’t make me answer that.

Also guilt tripping a girl into talking to you is definitely how true-love is birthed.

Also, we need to touch on something veeeeery important. His hideous catch phrase, "Stalker? I prefer Guardian Angel." Ummmm I prefer "buh-bye". This one was hard to decide between Future Restraining Order and Utter Self Depreciation. 

Moving on. Lets define "Chron" from Urban Dictionary:

"High grade, hydroponic Marijuana. Light and fluffy with dense trichrome formations. A rich aroma accompanies this kind of bud." I ain't about that life. I also hate camping (with you at least), hiking and golfing. And yes, you're that hideous. 

Annnnnnd. Poking me with "do you even talk to guys on here?" like.... just cause I don't talk to you means I LITERALLY HATE ALL MEN. No. Get off your high horses. Take a silent rejection and move on with your life. Puuuh-lease. 

So you think that shaming me and guilt tripping me and putting yourself down by saying you’re not my type will make me perk up and say, “Oh no baby! I definitely think we’re soul mates!”, but then you proceed to come back and try again? Yikes. No no. Ew. 

Also, the last "how fast do you ru...." I could just hear in my mind his inner dialog, something along the lines of, "I'm gunna be all smart and ask her how fast she runs. That'll get her talking!! Lets see... how fast do you ru....oh shit, I've already tried to talk to her 15 times. Abort mission. Abort mission." *passes out drunk cause its 1:03am.*

(Oh side note. Lets take a minute to look at his 'tag line'.... "Hope your (its you're) having a good day mines probably shitty." WOW hello sunshine! Aren't you just a treat of joy and happiness! 

I mean I do think deep thoughts like that, but in my head I dOn’t wRite liKe thiS, evEr. And the deepest thoughts I’m thinking at this present moment about you is mainly how stressful the above typing is. How does that even happen? I had trouble even mocking the writing because autocorrect fixed it every time. How did you even manage that?  

Okay you can also read your horoscope everyday and be like, "YAY I'm a taurus which means i HAVE to find a leo so its a perfect match!" Let me help you dear, just cause something tells you that you should be with someone doesn't mean it means anything. Like I'm gunna be like, "Oh shit! I didn't realize this FREE DATING APP SAYS WE SHOULD BE TOGETHER?! Okay okay okay, now I'm sold. Take me now!!" 

Sometimes I reply, just when I literally cant even. And my snark just cant stay in 100%. Even though its 100 times toned down from what I'm really thinking. Which normally cannot even be put into words, its more of an expression of utter annoyance and disgust.... 

Like, when guys try and be nice, "You're the most beautiful girl!" awww. And then they add "Cant be real." Wow... helllloooo Prince Charming. Its a weird undercutting kinda compliment that I straight up do not have time for. Buh-bye.