So there's that. Cheers to the "I cant even" boys who have made the first list!
Okay lets begin. Zoom in if you have to (I'm sorry I blurred his face out. GOD WHY AM I SUCH A NICE PERSON!!) Look behind him. See the confederate flag? IF ONLY HE KNEW ME. Oh God if only he knew.... (P.S. there's a big loud truck that drives past my house with a huge confederate flag out the back and I have a tendency to scream FUCK YOU out the window quite often. I obviously have pretty strong thoughts about that flag). Also you say you're definitely not country? So....you're just racist or??.....
Okay for real though, I laughed out loud. Cant get a girls attention with just a regular hi? Drop that you're a millionaire. OH HEY PAPI! I'm still laughing over this one. The thing that makes me laugh the hardest is that, what if it wasn't a joke, what if in his mind he's like, "Wait for it... THIS will get her! Done and done. She's mine."
Again, I reply when my annoyance hits an all time high. This guy definitely got a response. Seriously. Can we have a group therapy session with these guys so I can talk them through how in the WORLD to talk to a woman? Like, GOOGLE it if its THAT hard. If you seriously cannot come up with ANYTHING kind or cute or engaging PLEASE google it. Or ask your mom. Or go to the library. Or pray to the good laawd.
Okay.....I'm sorry but it is HELLA needy/clingy/no no to post ALL ways for someone to contact you. Boo, do you realize how damn crazy the women in Fairbanks Alaska are? Like. Some cray methhead North Pole chick is gunna stalk the shit outta you and burn your house down when you don't give her more money for meth. WHY WOULD YOU PUT YOUR FACEBOOK, INSTAGRAM, SNAPCHAT AND PHONE NUMBER DOWN?!
Um. I LITERALLY can't even. WHAT WOMAN in her RIGHT MIND would be like, "heck yeah! Fly me to your cabin in the woods somewhere and then kill me and wear my skin around while you dance to an Irish jig!" There isn't even a picture! (Like that helps, but for some reason it makes it 10 times more creepy). Oh but you wanna know what makes it 100 times more creepy is the gibberish at the end? Like, for all I know that says "You will be cut up into tiny pieces under my floor board within 12 minutes" in Turkish.
The struggle is so real. This whole message is just struggle bus on so many levels. I'm going to read through messages like this with my sons and be like, "see baby, this is why you don't write random girls at 12:07am after you've been obviously drinking. She will think you're an idiot and laugh at you with her friends and never write you back. Be educated and classy at all times." My sons are straight up going to have so much prior training, the ladies wont know what hit them. We'll have a full week of "how to online date" training crash course with them once they're old enough to date (AKA 32 years old).
His.Tag.Line. WAY TO MAKE ME FEEL OLD AND DESPERATE!!!! But obviously NOT desperate enough to EVER talk to you. Leave me alone now as I go put on my anti-aging face cream before going to bed at 8pm. Ugh.
UNLESS YOU ARE SANTA AND ADD TWO MORE OF THOSE "HO'S" YOU BETTER CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU WRECK YOURSELF. Starting off on the leg of calling me a hoe will NEVER end well. I promise you. Did you really think that was the sentence that would usher us into true love?
I mean, he didn't say, hottie/baby/hoe/sexy/hot stuff (anything demeaning). Like yay for you! Kinda sweet, right?
Look at the time stamp.
I'm swiftly losing faith in the male breed.
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