A little poetry & a lotta no thanks.

Do NOT try and sum me up. I’m actually hardly ever a woman of few words. Just because I wrote that I like wine and poetry in my profile doesn’t mean I’m not constantly full of things to say; it only meant I didn’t think anyone online needed to know my business. I may look meek and mildly tamable but don’t ever try and say what I am.

I mean cute. But I cant help but think it's our ONLY option because he's 20 years old. Too young, too young, too young!! 

From what you can see? What about what you can't see? I know you think you're a smooth criminal, but you ain't, boo, you ain't. 

I mean I appreciate the gesture. If I were literally falling I would PROBABLY appreciate the kindness (unless you get handsy too quickly... which you probably will...but I digress). Anyways. No I'm not falling. Thats so cheesy. Stop. Now I definitely don't even WANT to fall. #helloNunlife

Ew. Please stop. NOT the sentence to usher us into true love. 

Yeaaaaaah, I'm gunna have to go with no. I don't fly to other states for strangers. WHO does that? On the FIRST message? Like... what would he say if I was like, "okay! I'm coming!!!! "(you don't need to know my name or anything!!)

First of all the blanket is Alpaca ya dumb ass, but your desire to know fabrics so well is incredibly sexy (sarcasm). Don’t try and be so confident, you just look stupid. Second of all, wild stallion? Ew. Rocky Balboa is the only one who can be called a Stallion without sounding like an utter douche.

Hows that sand taste? ......

Its "Dessert"

I have DEFINITELY seen enough horror movies to know that this is the phrase they all seem to start with. NO riddle!! I'm not gollum. Or a hobbit. Or wanting to die. 

Also Mr "I'll ruin your lipstick, not your mascara", why the need for 7 exclamation points? Why. No. 

UGH! That's cute!! WHY IS YOUR SPELLING AND USE OR "UR/ U" HAPPENING!?! I give up. 

I can't. I literally can't even again!! Part 4:

Dear Alaska. OMG WHAT?! (if you aren't from Alaska this guy is 'famous' in our town for being (allegedly) involved in a murder 20 years ago (ish) and getting out last year because of forensic advancements.... but he and his 3 other buddies basically think they're celebs now.) Also. You're so cocky you think I know a) your last name b)where the F to even find you on FB? Naw homie, naw. 

LIKE OMG THOUGH! I'M SO FLATTERED! YOU'RE SO FAMOUS AND YOU WANT ME?!?!?! (I hope you're getting my dripping sarcasm).  Like, maybe he's a great guy. I've heard he was sweet in court and his innocence came through enough for him to be released. I get it. 20 years behind bars, if one is innocent, is an injustice like no other. But for petes sake....don't go around trying to sell that story for a woman to like you. Just say who you are, not the name the newspaper gave you! Everyone has a past, I get it, but my humor in this (touchy to some) matter is that he is WAY too proud of his (Fairbanks, Alaska, town of 33k people), celebrity status. *insert 100 emoji eye rolls*

This is literally the kind of mess I see happening in my life tho. "AND YEAH! He spent 20 years in jail and now we're married and working on a book and movie deal! YAY!"

No. 

Ohhhhkay. Makes me feel like piece of meat times 100%. Like. "Tha'll do pig, tha'll do." 

"you seem pretty good." Like. Straight up people speak better to dogs. 

But wait. It gets better. Check out his profile. I'm literally at a loss. Every ounce of feminism was RAGING on this one. Like. RAGING. Violently. I don't think I've ever been closer to actually going on a date with someone just to show up to throw a drink in their face. 

Just. Ew. I think his tagline was something about "no chubby girls." This kid. YOU WIN THE PRIZE FOR MAKING MY SKIN CRAWL ON A WHOLE NEW LEVEL! YAY FOR YOU!.....

Moving on...

To this charming little thing......

WOW you 100% make me believe in love again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

You indeed, did not. 

I mean, I get trying to be original. In a sea of faces and messages and pickup lines you gotta make yourself stand out, right? 

Could I press 5 to disconnect? Please?

I straight up re-read his about me section trying to figure out if he's joking or not. The hopeful part of me totally thinks he's kidding.... but the (larger) part of myself that is cynical regarding 99% of Alaskan men says he's totally serious. 

GAHHHHHHH EVERY PART OF MY HEAD THAT SPEAKS, WRITES, READS AND LISTENS TO ENGLISH IS ROCKING LIKE A BABY IN THE CORNER OF MY SOUL.