I can't. I literally can't even again!! Part 4:

Dear Alaska. OMG WHAT?! (if you aren't from Alaska this guy is 'famous' in our town for being (allegedly) involved in a murder 20 years ago (ish) and getting out last year because of forensic advancements.... but he and his 3 other buddies basically think they're celebs now.) Also. You're so cocky you think I know a) your last name b)where the F to even find you on FB? Naw homie, naw. 

LIKE OMG THOUGH! I'M SO FLATTERED! YOU'RE SO FAMOUS AND YOU WANT ME?!?!?! (I hope you're getting my dripping sarcasm).  Like, maybe he's a great guy. I've heard he was sweet in court and his innocence came through enough for him to be released. I get it. 20 years behind bars, if one is innocent, is an injustice like no other. But for petes sake....don't go around trying to sell that story for a woman to like you. Just say who you are, not the name the newspaper gave you! Everyone has a past, I get it, but my humor in this (touchy to some) matter is that he is WAY too proud of his (Fairbanks, Alaska, town of 33k people), celebrity status. *insert 100 emoji eye rolls*

This is literally the kind of mess I see happening in my life tho. "AND YEAH! He spent 20 years in jail and now we're married and working on a book and movie deal! YAY!"

No. 

Ohhhhkay. Makes me feel like piece of meat times 100%. Like. "Tha'll do pig, tha'll do." 

"you seem pretty good." Like. Straight up people speak better to dogs. 

But wait. It gets better. Check out his profile. I'm literally at a loss. Every ounce of feminism was RAGING on this one. Like. RAGING. Violently. I don't think I've ever been closer to actually going on a date with someone just to show up to throw a drink in their face. 

Just. Ew. I think his tagline was something about "no chubby girls." This kid. YOU WIN THE PRIZE FOR MAKING MY SKIN CRAWL ON A WHOLE NEW LEVEL! YAY FOR YOU!.....

Moving on...

To this charming little thing......

WOW you 100% make me believe in love again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

You indeed, did not. 

I mean, I get trying to be original. In a sea of faces and messages and pickup lines you gotta make yourself stand out, right? 

Could I press 5 to disconnect? Please?

I straight up re-read his about me section trying to figure out if he's joking or not. The hopeful part of me totally thinks he's kidding.... but the (larger) part of myself that is cynical regarding 99% of Alaskan men says he's totally serious. 

GAHHHHHHH EVERY PART OF MY HEAD THAT SPEAKS, WRITES, READS AND LISTENS TO ENGLISH IS ROCKING LIKE A BABY IN THE CORNER OF MY SOUL.