Self Deprecation / Semi Insulting / Needy AF: Part 1

Wow. Like. Good for you, but seriously? You attract the women you throw out a line for - so obviously you lookin for a woman who goes, "oh heeeey baby. Lets buy a house. Who needs love?" 

Ahhh, the sweet smell of self-depreciation as a plea to get me to talk to you. Because as an independent, self-sufficient, confident, well traveled woman, i am in fact looking for someone I have to constantly affirm (NOT!) Bae, don’t make me answer that.

Also guilt tripping a girl into talking to you is definitely how true-love is birthed.

Also, we need to touch on something veeeeery important. His hideous catch phrase, "Stalker? I prefer Guardian Angel." Ummmm I prefer "buh-bye". This one was hard to decide between Future Restraining Order and Utter Self Depreciation. 

Moving on. Lets define "Chron" from Urban Dictionary:

"High grade, hydroponic Marijuana. Light and fluffy with dense trichrome formations. A rich aroma accompanies this kind of bud." I ain't about that life. I also hate camping (with you at least), hiking and golfing. And yes, you're that hideous. 

Annnnnnd. Poking me with "do you even talk to guys on here?" like.... just cause I don't talk to you means I LITERALLY HATE ALL MEN. No. Get off your high horses. Take a silent rejection and move on with your life. Puuuh-lease. 

So you think that shaming me and guilt tripping me and putting yourself down by saying you’re not my type will make me perk up and say, “Oh no baby! I definitely think we’re soul mates!”, but then you proceed to come back and try again? Yikes. No no. Ew. 

Also, the last "how fast do you ru...." I could just hear in my mind his inner dialog, something along the lines of, "I'm gunna be all smart and ask her how fast she runs. That'll get her talking!! Lets see... how fast do you ru....oh shit, I've already tried to talk to her 15 times. Abort mission. Abort mission." *passes out drunk cause its 1:03am.*

(Oh side note. Lets take a minute to look at his 'tag line'.... "Hope your (its you're) having a good day mines probably shitty." WOW hello sunshine! Aren't you just a treat of joy and happiness! 

I mean I do think deep thoughts like that, but in my head I dOn’t wRite liKe thiS, evEr. And the deepest thoughts I’m thinking at this present moment about you is mainly how stressful the above typing is. How does that even happen? I had trouble even mocking the writing because autocorrect fixed it every time. How did you even manage that?  

Okay you can also read your horoscope everyday and be like, "YAY I'm a taurus which means i HAVE to find a leo so its a perfect match!" Let me help you dear, just cause something tells you that you should be with someone doesn't mean it means anything. Like I'm gunna be like, "Oh shit! I didn't realize this FREE DATING APP SAYS WE SHOULD BE TOGETHER?! Okay okay okay, now I'm sold. Take me now!!" 

Sometimes I reply, just when I literally cant even. And my snark just cant stay in 100%. Even though its 100 times toned down from what I'm really thinking. Which normally cannot even be put into words, its more of an expression of utter annoyance and disgust.... 

Like, when guys try and be nice, "You're the most beautiful girl!" awww. And then they add "Cant be real." Wow... helllloooo Prince Charming. Its a weird undercutting kinda compliment that I straight up do not have time for. Buh-bye. 

I can't even: Part 1

I'm losing my creative titles. Some of these guys literally don't even fit under a certain category. Hence why the category of, "I can't even" had to be made. (Urban Dictionary defines "I cant even" as: an expression that denotes so many emotional responses that the user can’t even comprehend what has been said or seen." 

So there's that. Cheers to the "I cant even" boys who have made the first list!

Okay lets begin. Zoom in if you have to (I'm sorry I blurred his face out. GOD WHY AM I SUCH A NICE PERSON!!) Look behind him. See the confederate flag? IF ONLY HE KNEW ME. Oh God if only he knew.... (P.S. there's a big loud truck that drives past my house with a huge confederate flag out the back and I have a tendency to scream FUCK YOU out the window quite often. I obviously have pretty strong thoughts about that flag). Also you say you're definitely not country? So....you're just racist or??.....

Okay for real though, I laughed out loud. Cant get a girls attention with just a regular hi? Drop that you're a millionaire. OH HEY PAPI! I'm still laughing over this one. The thing that makes me laugh the hardest is that, what if it wasn't a joke, what if in his mind he's like, "Wait for it... THIS will get her! Done and done. She's mine." 

Again, I reply when my annoyance hits an all time high. This guy definitely got a response. Seriously. Can we have a group therapy session with these guys so I can talk them through how in the WORLD to talk to a woman? Like, GOOGLE it if its THAT hard. If you seriously cannot come up with ANYTHING kind or cute or engaging PLEASE google it. Or ask your mom. Or go to the library. Or pray to the good laawd. 

Okay.....I'm sorry but it is HELLA needy/clingy/no no to post ALL ways for someone to contact you. Boo, do you realize how damn crazy the women in Fairbanks Alaska are? Like. Some cray methhead North Pole chick is gunna stalk the shit outta you and burn your house down when you don't give her more money for meth. WHY WOULD YOU PUT YOUR FACEBOOK, INSTAGRAM, SNAPCHAT AND PHONE NUMBER DOWN?! 

Um. I LITERALLY can't even. WHAT WOMAN in her RIGHT MIND would be like, "heck yeah! Fly me to your cabin in the woods somewhere and then kill me and wear my skin around while you dance to an Irish jig!" There isn't even a picture! (Like that helps, but for some reason it makes it 10 times more creepy). Oh but you wanna know what makes it 100 times more creepy is the gibberish at the end? Like, for all I know that says "You will be cut up into tiny pieces under my floor board within 12 minutes" in Turkish. 

The struggle is so real. This whole message is just struggle bus on so many levels. I'm going to read through messages like this with my sons and be like, "see baby, this is why you don't write random girls at 12:07am after you've been obviously drinking. She will think you're an idiot and laugh at you with her friends and never write you back. Be educated and classy at all times." My sons are straight up going to have so much prior training, the ladies wont know what hit them. We'll have a full week of "how to online date" training crash course with them once they're old enough to date (AKA 32 years old). 

His.Tag.Line. WAY TO MAKE ME FEEL OLD AND DESPERATE!!!! But obviously NOT desperate enough to EVER talk to you. Leave me alone now as I go put on my anti-aging face cream before going to bed at 8pm. Ugh. 

UNLESS YOU ARE SANTA AND ADD TWO MORE OF THOSE "HO'S" YOU BETTER CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU WRECK YOURSELF. Starting off on the leg of calling me a hoe will NEVER end well. I promise you. Did you really think that was the sentence that would usher us into true love?

I mean, he didn't say, hottie/baby/hoe/sexy/hot stuff (anything demeaning). Like yay for you! Kinda sweet, right? 

Look at the time stamp. 

I'm swiftly losing faith in the male breed. 

Bad Poetry: Part 1

Okay lets be honest....There are not even adequate commentaries on most of these. So I'll probably give you less of my own thoughts because, most of them, my thoughts were so confused I cant even put them into words. Oh you sweet souls who try and write poetry, I hate to break it to you, you are not sweeping me off my feet, Charles Bukowski style. But keep trying.

You sound like a lost soul. Real talk here: my greatest downfall with men in the past was a savior complex; I don't need to be the only one who sets your heart free. Thats way too much responsability. Ya'll need Jesus. 

No you may not. But instead please go back to school. Also I don't think I could ever date someone with the name "Jimbo Slice".

No.

Okay, this one was KIND of cute. Kind of. I wanted to ask how long he poured over that in hoping to sweep me off my feet. I just, feel like probably upon meeting he’d stroll in wearing a full blown Game of Thrones costume and call me, “ma lady”, and I would just be left in utter shock and somehow think, “how is this real life?” Also, the amount of my friends I texted this one to was overwhelming. One literally read it out loud to a room full of people at a party. This poor kid...

I mean. You tried to write poetry. I’ll give you credit there but…..

I mean cute. I just cant.

Okay this one was original and cute. But still, no. What I wanted to say back is, “and my soul is as freezing cold as the weather outside when the northern lights are out.”. Also, the amount of men who have "looking for me," as their tag line makes me slowly lose faith in men. I've handled my fair share of men who are narcissistic AF- no mas!